My Protein Bars Bring All the Boys to the Yard

They really do.

I served over 250 squares of cacao goji hemp protein bars on Wednesday for Foodie Call. This week’s theme was Whole Body, the supplements department. I modified this superfood bar from Earthsprout, having bookmarked the idea when Eleanor included it in her newsletter earlier this year.
my protein bars bring all the boys to the yard  | gothic granola

Earlier this week, I was browsing YouTube and stumbled across this FitSugar video about maca powder. I remembered an IIN lecture about superfoods and forgot what maca was supposed to do. According to the back of the Navitas package and this video, maca root helps the body deal with stress, provides energy, and increases male sex drive.

I told you my protein bars bring all the boys to the yard.

With that, I’ve only enhanced my theory that I have a target on my back.

While these bars are not truly “raw,” they are not baked, meaning they are perfect for those DMV area summer days when you (OK, I) want to make something but don’t want to deal with the oven. They can easily be made paleo by substituting walnuts or pecans for the oats.


Cacao Goji Hemp Protein Bars
Modified from “Raw Protein Boost Bars,”

2 cups GF rolled oats
1 cup shredded unsweetened coconut

1/2 cup cacao powder
1/4 cup hemp protein powder
1/4 cup maca root powder
1/4 cup chia seeds
dash sea salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

2 cups pitted dates, soaked overnight and drained
1 cup goji berries (or raisins as these are a specialty item)
1/2 cup coconut oil, melted
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/4 cup coconut oil, melted
1/2 cup cacao nibs

Line a jelly roll pan or cookie sheet with sides with a piece of parchment paper and set aside.
In a high-speed blender, blitz oats until a coarse flour forms. Remove oats to a large bowl and blitz coconut until mostly pulverized.
In a large bowl, whisk together oats, coconut, cacao, hemp protein powder, maca, chias, salt, and cinnamon.
In the blender, blitz the dates, goji berries, oil, and vanilla and water as needed in order to form a gelatinous mass of mostly obliterated dried fruit. Scrape the dried fruit mixture into the bowl with the oat mixture. Use your hands to knead the mixture together, saturating the dry mixture with the wet fruit or vice versa, depending on your perspective. When the mixture is a dark, shiny chocolate colour, press it into the pan.
Pour the melted coconut oil on top and press the cacao nibs into the bar. Place the tray, uncovered, in the refrigerator, for 20 minutes to firm up before cutting and serving. Store in an airtight container in the fridge for two weeks or in the freezer for months.

my protein bars bring all the boys to the yard  | gothic granola

I bricked my Vitamix twice while making these because I was trying to pulse too many dates and goji berries at once. Because this recipe is hands-on, not that any of my cooking isn’t hands on, I was concerned about my energy while making it. When I’m having a bad day, it will be reflected (and tasted) in my food. Having received a frightening message right before I went to cook, I was afraid my fear would affect the final product. I tried to think of the people who’ve got my back and how I love them as I kneaded the bars together. When I cook for someone, it means I give a damn about them and care what happens to them. Even when I’m cooking for a demo, I can’t prepare food dispassionately. There’s always some kitchen witchery going on when Q’s in la cocina.

Parting shots:
Protein, protein, protein!


This is my current protein shake array: Chocolate raspberry PlantFusion protein powder shake made with water and psyllium husk and Yerba Mate Raw Meal Energy shake (1 scoop) made with unsweetened almondmilk. I do the “five small meals” thing and two of those meals are protein shakes.


Meal prep of “prooatmeal,” AKA: “protein oatmeal,” which is oatmeal with protein powder. I used up the last of my chocolate hemp protein powder in these GF oat-dried fruit-chia seed-nut (and some with miso) concoctions.  Just add water.

3 thoughts on “My Protein Bars Bring All the Boys to the Yard

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